I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
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