Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
