ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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