You're my little dorito
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
