I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
