Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
