It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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