he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
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