Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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