i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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