I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
