real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Randomize
