FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
