We're facebook friends in real life
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
