they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Randomize
