sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
