hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
