God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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