i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
