does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
