my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
