update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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