Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
