1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
