I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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