I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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