These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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