Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
