took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
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