Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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