It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Randomize
