How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
