why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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