Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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