hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
