theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
