woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
