Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
