Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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