don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
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