I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
