she looked like the bat from fern gully.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
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