the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
