where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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