My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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