also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
