My friends, they love my intelligence
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
