I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
