In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
