Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
