just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
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